You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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