apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
