i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
