I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
smell my finger.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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