hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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