Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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