i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
