new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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