At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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