I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
