At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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