honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
