he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
