it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
