Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
