oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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