I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
