he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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