my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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