Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
