Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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