Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
