life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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