i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.