My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
