Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.