We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
