Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
