69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
