She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
