This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
