i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.