i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?