Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
