You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
