i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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