smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
