T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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