i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i dont even know how to be here
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
