your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
