he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
