Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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