theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Can I color on your dick again?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
