I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You can't special order awesome
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
