yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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