Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
