You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
