it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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