I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
