i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
