so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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