we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
