Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
