Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
