I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
