I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
