I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
