my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
