So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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