went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
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i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
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So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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