I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
