im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
